How to Give a Guy Spectacular Oral Sex

Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2009 Emily Nagoski, PhD

About the Author

Emily Nagoski has a Ph.D. in Health Behavior, with a concentration in Human Sexuality from Indiana University, and a Masters degree in Counseling Psychology also from IU, including a clinical internship at the Kinsey Institute Sexual Health Clinic. While at IU, Emily taught courses in both Human Sexuality and Marriage and Family Interaction. With more than a decade’s experience as a sex educator and an unshockable enthusiasm for empowering others to have healthy, joyful sex, Emily brings insight and clarity to the often perplexing, always fascinating world of human sexuality.

Table of Contents

Part 1: Nuts and Bolts

What Will This Guide Cover?

Why Do Men Like Fellatio So Much?

What Are Some Common Issues?

The Awful Truth: Bad Blowjobs

Top 10 Characteristics of Fabulous Fellatio

Top 10 Things to Avoid During Fellatio

How to Be Confident About Fellatio

3 Things the Best Fellators Know

Getting Past Your Discomfort About Going Down

The Psychological Dynamics Behind Fellatio

Male Sexual Anatomy: What You’re Touching and How to Touch It

The Five-Spot Technique

Male Arousal Process and Visual Cues

Navigating Arousal

How to Tell How Turned On He Is

Stepping on the Gas

Pumping His Brakes

Part 2: Blowing Him Away

Fundamentals

Manual Techniques

Oral Techniques

Advanced Techniques

Part 3: Ups and Downs of Going Down

Gagging During Fellatio

If Fellatio Makes Your Jaw Ache

Back or Knees Ache During Fellatio?

Scent and Sensibility

He’s Ambivalent about Fellatio

You’re Just Not in the Mood

Fellatio and STIs

Fellatio with Condoms

Delayed Orgasm and Fellatio

Premature Ejaculation and Fellatio

Lost Erection and Fellatio

Part 4: Conclusion—Great Sexpectations

Great Sexpectations

Appendix: Selecting a Lubricant

Nuts and Bolts*

What Will This Guide Cover?*

You want to learn how to give a spectacular blowjob.

Maybe you’ve already got some experience and are looking to take your oral sex skills to the next, eye-crossing level. Or maybe you’re a novice looking for any tips that will help you feel confident and competent during your first few experiences. Either way, you’ll need a good understanding of the anatomy and physiology of male sexual response, an attitude of creative curiosity, and a toolbox of techniques that will give your man a kind of pleasure he’s never even imagined — and you’ll find all those things in this guide.

You’ll also find strategies for confronting fears, solving problems that may arise, and suggestions for getting yourself (or your partner) confident and competent enough to have a stellar oral sex experience.

Why Do Men Like Fellatio So Much?*

Most men really like fellatio. Many of those who don’t like fellatio might like it better if they knew their partners liked giving it. There are many things about fellatio that appeal to men’s sexuality. Here are the biggies:

*Sensation A mouth and tongue can give sensations that no hand or vagina can. They are warm and wet and soft, they can be tight or loose, they can provide suction, and they can be paired with hands to make for much more sensation. All of these are good things. At the simplest level, men like fellatio because they like the feeling of a mouth wrapped around a penis. With its warmth, wetness, pressure, friction, and movement, bottom line: fellatio feels good.

*Novelty New and different experiences are exciting for many men. Even if he’s had a blowjob before, he won’t have experienced the kind of expert handling you’ll be able to give him by the end of this tutorial. The idea that novelty is inherently good (for sex) might seems foreign to you. While men respond to novelty, women are more likely to need to get used to a new sensation before it’s really pleasurable. For example, women are more likely to be orgasmic with partners they’ve been with before. But for guys? New is exciting. New is good. Do new things and it hardly matters what it is, the newness alone will make it interesting to him.

*Power There is also a school of thought that says that men like to be in control, like to dominate. Sometimes that’s true. But sometimes guys prefer to hand themselves over and be servants to their partners’ desires. Only you know your guy well enough to tell which dynamic rings his bell. Both can be created during fellatio, and both can be turn ons. The sensations associated with fellatio are enhanced and amplified by the psychological power dynamics that partners can play with.

What Are Some Common Issues?*

All of the most common problems that arise from fellatio are reviewed in more detail in “Ups and Downs of Going Down” below, but let’s get something clear right from the start:

Hardware malfunctions, such as trouble either with erection (lack of) or ejaculation (either too soon or delayed), are not caused by “bad blowjobs.” The fellator’s lack of skills is among the least likely causes of erection or ejaculation issues. Sometimes your stellar performance could be part of the problem—if your guy struggles with premature ejaculation, you might shoot him right over the edge.

Among men on the young side of 40, psychological factors like performance anxiety are the likeliest cause. Among men on the other side of 40, it might be psychological or it might be physiological; testosterone levels drop steadily over a man’s adult lifetime, and other health issues like heart disease and diabetes can effect sexual functioning. The moral of the story here is that his physical (or psychological) issues probably have nothing to do with your technique.

Other problems can arise on the fellator’s end of things. Physical discomfort, choking, and fears about fellatio (such as swallowing) can all be addressed and managed. They’re common and totally reversible.

The Awful Truth: Bad Blowjobs*

That said... yes, there is such a thing as a bad blowjob. Not enough physical pressure, too much or too little friction, too much or too little lube, not enough variety... but ultimately the worst fellatio happens when the fellator doesn’t feel good about what she’s doing. She may not enjoy fellatio, or she may lack confidence, or she may be thinking so much about technique that she’s not paying attention to her partner.

You’ll find lots of information later about the cues to watch for (and listen for and feel for). Many of the common problems women experience with fellatio can be prevented with simple shifts in attitude and a little extra knowledge. This manual should be about the difference between good and great.

Top 10 Characteristics of Fabulous Fellatio*

10.  One word: wet. Saliva is your friend. Lube is your friend. Like all good friends, you can call on them when you need them. Great fellators lick their palms and squirt on lube freely. Don’t be shy. Check out “Appendix: Selecting a Lubricant” for guidance on how to select a lubricant that’s right for you.

9.  Two words: Hand. Job. Your hands have more strength and stamina than your mouth ever will, so much of the stimulation of a blowjob will come from your hands. Use your fingers, palm, and wrist to do the work that your tongue, lips, and jaw can’t.

8.  Let your tongue do the things that only tongues can. Lick. Flick. Brush. Even if these things don’t make him come, they’re different from what he’ll experience during any other kind of sex, and novelty is good.

7.  Squeeze a little as you move your hand up, release as you move your hand down. You can practice that now — squeeze up, release down. And twist your wrist. Got it? Now you’re an expert. It’s the little extras that make all the difference.

6.  Suction. It’s a special feature of oral sex that neither intercourse nor a handjob can replicate. With practice your jaw will strengthen so you can suck harder and longer, but in the meantime, suck gently, saving the really intense sucking for the, um, pivotal moment.

5.  Keep a steady rhythm. When you find the pace that makes him sigh and then gulp and then shudder, stick with it. Incremental, almost imperceptible increases in speed and intensity will draw him higher into arousal.

4.  It’s not just about the penis! The best blowjobs combine stimulation of the penis with the scrotum, perineum, anus, rectum, prostate, thighs, belly, nipples, and whatever else you can reach. The idea is to swirl him upwards in a whirlwind of sensations until his eyes cross and his toes curl.

3.  Confidence. A “Wow, she really knows what she’s doing!” response doesn’t come from technique but from attitude. You know you’re hot. You know he loves it when you put your mouth on his genitals. Revel in that.

2.  Attention. Attention. Attention. All your attention should be focused exclusively and lovingly on him! The more attention you pay, the more attuned you’ll be to the clues his body is sending you about his arousal state. With practice, you’ll learn to read his signals intuitively.

And... the number one characteristic of fabulous fellatio:

1.  Enthusiasm! Masturbate while you go down (see “Advanced Techniques”). Make noise. Grin. Make eye contact. Love the feel of his penis in your hands and mouth and you absolutely cannot go wrong.

Top 10 Things to Avoid During Fellatio*

10.  Teeth. Watch it.

9.  Fingernails. Ditto. Cut ‘em short, file ‘em smooth, and take off your rings while you’re at it.

8.  Not enough pressure. Guys have about a third more upper body strength, so his hand gives more intense stimulation than yours. You’d be surprised how much pressure a penis can take. Try a wide range of intensities — pressure, speed, lube, grip — including things you’re not really sure he’ll respond to. Experiment! You can do more than you think.

7.  Gagging, choking, and otherwise not enjoying yourself. Don’t try to impress him with crazy, wild moves that make you uncomfortable. Impress him instead with the finesse of your wrist and fingers and tongue. If the fancy tricks aren’t your style, leave the deep throating to porn stars. They’re getting paid. You’re doing it for the love of the man and the penis. So do what you love!

6.  Missing his signals. Even guys who are quiet are giving out tons of signals about what they like — and not just his erection. If he’s holding his breath, gasping, or huffing, he’s feeling pretty damn good. As his arousal increases, his abdomen, thighs, and buttocks will contract, and as he approaches orgasm his scrotum will tighten. Notice, and enjoy!

5.  Being distracted. Great fellatio doesn’t happen if you’re thinking about the grocery list, the kids’ lacrosse game, the bad meeting at work today, or anything other than the body in front of you. Focus! Love it! Pay attention!

4.  Clock watching. A “How long is this going to take?” attitude will get you nowhere. If you bring uninterrupted time and focused attention to all your lovemaking, that alone will make your sex life better!

3.  Giving up. Not every technique will work equally well, and it’s all too easy to get frustrated if your guy loses his erection or takes a while to orgasm. If at first you don’t succeed...

2.  Boredom. If you’d rather be watching “Grey’s Anatomy,” you should just go do that. For serious.

And... the number one thing to avoid during fellatio:

1.  A grimace of disgust. Really, how would you feel if he went down on you looking like that? If oral sex grosses you out, don’t do it. If you wish it didn’t gross you out, you’ll find lots of ideas in the “Ups and Downs of Going Down” section for overcoming your aversion. Go down when it brings you pleasure.

How to Be Confident About Fellatio*

Lack of confidence often comes from lack of experience, uncertainty about whether or not he’ll like what you do, or uncertainty that you’ll like doing it. Let’s talk about all three:

1.  Lack experience? That’s easy to fix when you’ve got a partner. Just ask if he’d like you to go down on him! Bet he’ll say yes. Enthusiasm and curiosity will more than compensate for unrefined technique. As you learn about your partner, you’ll learn what he likes — and what you like! Try lots of things and find out what works.

2.  Not sure he’ll like it? Have a toolbox of techniques at your disposal. One of the biggest barriers novices face is getting there, in front of his junk, and freezing up, thinking, “Okay, but what do I do now??” There are dozens of techniques in this tutorial, and each of them can be varied in terms of intensity, pressure, speed, wetness.... If one doesn’t work the way you want, try something else. Creativity, a willingness to do something imperfectly, and a whole lot of ideas will keep fellatio from ever being boring, ordinary, or predictable. Experiment and play while you explore what kinds of stimulation have the desired effect. If you’re really feeling unsure, you can take all the pressure off by saying you’re going to play around with a bunch of techniques to learn what he likes. That way there’s no pressure on either of you and you’re free to try new stuff without worrying about getting him off. And curiosity about his nether regions is hot.

3.  Not sure you love fellatio? Not everyone begins their fellatio careers loving oral sex, and not everyone decides to learn to love it. Going down is your choice. Do it if you want to. If you don’t want to, don’t do it, and feel confident in your decision. You are under no obligation to go down, and anybody who makes you feel bad about not doing it is unworthy of your attention. Seriously. There is no “should” or “supposed to” about it.

3 Things the Best Fellators Know*

1.  Fellatio is fun! The best fellatio happens when the fellator really, truly loves what she’s doing and really, truly enjoys the effect it has on the “fellatee.” If you aren’t enjoying yourself... well, imagine how you’d feel if your partners went down on you but clearly wasn’t very glad to be there. Ew. Now imagine if he went down on you and clearly loved being there. Yeah. The best blowjobs are done with pleasure. If you’re not enjoying yourself, you’re not doing it right.

2.  Fellatio is noisy and messy. The sights, sounds and feel of a blowjob are undignified, silly, funny, and weird, as well as sexy, hot, and hugely arousing. Fellatio is a celebration of a relationship so trusting and open that you’re ready to put another person’s genitals in your mouth. Don’t be shy — use your imagination, your knowledge, and, when necessary, several towels to make the experience as positive as it can be.

3.  The fellator is the one in control. You have in your hands and mouth the most sensitive part of a man’s body. Believe me when I tell you: he is at your mercy. The best fellators know that they’re in charge and they wield their power with aplomb.

Getting Past Your Discomfort About Going Down*

But suppose your partner wants you to, and you want to give your partner pleasure. You don’t love fellatio, but you want to learn to love it? Some tips:

*Skip the question, “Why?” Instead, ask yourself, “What is it about fellatio that I don’t love?” Many of the things you think of are discussed in the “Ups and Downs of Going Down*” section— have a browse there.

*You might also just hesitate at the thought of putting someone’s genitals in your mouth. Mostly genitals are like any other body part, and if you feel comfortable kissing his lips or his shoulders or his belly, you can feel comfortable kissing his genitals. Worried about hygiene? Take a shower together!

*Dispel the mystery with a sex-free grope. Sometimes women can feel baffled by men’s genitalia, and demystifying the whole thing can help you feel at home down there. Really, there is nothing to be afraid of. Guys will frown to read this, but when you get down to it, men’s genitals are pretty silly; even the hottest of hard-bodied men still has this undignified tangle of soft dangly bits between his legs. So get your guy to lie back some rainy Saturday and go exploring — with your hand, your eyes, your mouth, your elbows, whatever you feel comfortable trying. Hell, bring a magnifying glass if you want! Explore his other parts too, see how the genitals compare.

*Experiment cautiously. Try a few of the tips and techniques you’ll find here that you’re curious about. If they work out, awesome! If not, that’s cool too. Remember, there’s no obligation, and the fact that you’re looking for ways to love fellatio is great in itself!

*Don’t do it just because he wants it. The Martyr Blowjob, I call it. If you’re doing it for him even though you don’t like it, it’s like when he agrees to watch the sappy chick flick with you — it’s nice that he made the effort, but his boredom and eye rolling make you wish he’d just go upstairs and watch sports and leave you alone. Dig? I have never yet heard of a guy who really loved the blowjob he got from a woman who did it just because he wanted it. Do what you love, and he’ll love what you do.

The Psychological Dynamics Behind Fellatio*

Always, it’s the fellator, not the fellatee, who’s in control. Being the one in control means you get to decide whether you’re “on top” or “on bottom,” psychologically speaking. It’s counterintuitive, I know, to think about deciding to be controlled, but in all consensual sex that’s how it works. You get to decide, you and your partner, who’s on top or on bottom or if you’re both doing both:

*Dominating is pretty straightforward. Pin him to the bed (or the wall), or order him to strip off, or anything else that lets him know that you’re the one in charge and it’s time for him to stay still and take what’s coming. Then have your wicked way with him, using all the skills and strategies you learn in this guide. Overwhelm him with the fabulousness of your fellatio. The best tops give their partner every kind of pleasure, but make him beg for it.

*Submitting is a little more complicated because it relies on his ability to take the lead. As a sub, your job is to give him what he asks for — “ask” being the key word. He asks (though he might phrase it as if it were a command) and you either agree or not. The best subs, like the best tops, give their partner every kind of pleasure, but instead of the partner begging, he “insists.”

The two dynamics are remarkably similar; the differences lie in your attitude, not in your techniques. In the “Advanced Techniques” section, you’ll find exercises that outline ways of being in control and allowing yourself to be controlled. These can be varied to suit you and your partner, but they can serve as a starting point for developing your sexual persona as dominatrix of servant.

Male Sexual Anatomy: What You’re Touching and How to Touch It*

Glans – This is the head of the penis. “Glans” comes from the ancient Greek word for “acorn.” The head of the penis doesn’t actually look that much like an acorn, but that’s where it got its name. Some researchers suggest that the glans got its shape through sexual selection — basically women were more likely to reproduce with men whose penises featured this type of shape.

Regardless of its origins, the glans is a particularly human trait — even our closest relatives in the animal kingdom don’t have a penis head like the human glans. What is it good for? Well, it is packed with sensory nerve endings, and its complex shape makes it a great target for creative licking and sucking. The glans is the male equivalent of the little nub we know and love as the clitoris (though, sadly, the penis only has half the nerve endings of the clit), which might give you some idea of what the glans likes.

Corona – Derived from the word meaning “crown,” corona is the name of the curve at the base of the glans. This is a nerve-packed area which is absolutely crucial to oral sex technique. Going back and forth over the “bump” of the corona, either with your mouth or your hands, provides important stimulation. Ask your fella to show you how he masturbates; you’ll see what an important role the corona plays. Watch and learn.

Sulcus – The narrow band of skin which connects the bottom edge of the corona to the shaft is called the sulcus, and it is an extremely sensitive area, perfectly shaped for having a tongue traced over it.

Frenulum – On the underside of the corona, there is an upside-down Y shape. There is a tendon-like membrane that is where the foreskin connects to the shaft, if he’s uncircumcised. If he’s circumcised, this is where the foreskin used to attach to the shaft. This is the frenulum. The frenulum is The Spot. The frenulum is your friend. Lick it, kiss it, suck it, blow on it, give it a very gentle little bite. Use long, well lubricated hand strokes to slip over it, back and forth. Swirl your tongue in circles around it. Your man will thank you for it. Or try simply laying a flat tongue against this area with very little movement.

Shaft – There are four important things to know about the shaft of the penis:

1.  First, it is composed of three separate chambers. There is a pair of chambers — the corpora cavernosa (“cavernous bodies”) — on the top side, and one more chamber — the corpus spongiosum (“spongy body”) on the under side. The corpus spongiosum is the home of the urethra and it is very sensitive to deep pressure. All three of these chambers fill with blood as the man gets aroused.

2.  If your guy has a penis that points in one direction or another, it’s because one of these bodies is longer or shorter than the others. Like, if his right corpus cavernosa is longer, he’ll point to the left, and vice versa. If his corpora cavernosa are longer than his corpus spongiosum, he’ll point down. Unless the difference actually causes him pain (in which case he should see a doctor — there are surgical interventions that can help, but it’s only advisable under extreme circumstances), a curvy penis isn’t a problem and can even be an asset. Always follow the curve, don’t fight against it.

3.  Even the most tightly circumcised, highly aroused penis still has enough skin to move over the shaft. This sliding is the source of a great deal of stimulation. The movement of the hand and skin over the frenulum is actually a very common source of stimulation for men during masturbation. This is where light touch sensations come in.

4.  The shaft extends deep into the body. If your partner is erect, you can actually press down (gently) into his abdomen along the side of the penis and feel how deep it goes. Rotating the shaft around its axis, like the hand of a clock, helps to provide stimulation deeper along the shaft. For example, the penis can point toward his belly button, toward his toes, or toward either hip bone, and the sensations he feels when you pull his shaft in one direction or another will change. You might find that there’s one particular direction where he’s most responsive. Another way to take advantage of all that extra shaft is to put gentle pressure, either with your mouth or hands, on the area where the shaft meets the scrotum. This is a great example of deep touch.

Scrotum – Among the least appreciated parts of a man’s genitals is the scrotum, the stretchy, hairy sack of skin that envelops the testicles. Men vary in how they like to have their scrotum treated. For some guys, it’s just a distraction from the main event. For other guys, it is the main event.

The Five-Spot Technique*

What typically gets lumped together as “the head” is actually a number of intensely sensitive parts – five of them, to be precise: the glans, the urethral opening, the corona, the frenulum, and the sulcus. These parts are differentiated from the shaft neuroanatomically as well as geographically. They’re sensitive. Delicate. And totally crucial to obtaining the high level of arousal you’re aiming for.

Here’s a strategy that uses all five parts and recognizes their special attributes:

When he’s already quite aroused (i.e., fully erect):

*Circle your fingers tightly around the base on his penis.

*Using lots of lubrication – either saliva or store-bought lube – slide your lips and tongue softly and slowly over the head of his erect penis.

*Circle your tongue over the frenulum, and then pull up again.

*Slide your lips down a second time, not as far this time, and circle your tongue lightly around the urethral opening.

*Then pull up again.

*Keep your lips soft and the inside of your mouth wet. The third time you go down, take as much of his penis into your mouth as you feel comfortable with, and suck gently.

*Then pull back up, letting your lips slide deliberately over the corona.

*Then, still holding the shaft at the base, put soft, wet kisses around the base of the head, licking and kissing around the sulcus; treat it the way you would treat the sensitive corner of his mouth.

*Repeat the process, switching up the order so that he never quite knows what sensation will come next.

*This is not a strategy that will make him burst out in orgasm right there and then, but it will tantalize and bewitch him.

If you don’t know your guy’s opinion of scrotum play (and if you haven’t asked, you don’t know — just because he hasn’t actively asked for it doesn’t mean he’s not interested), there are loads of techniques you can try:

Lightly stroking the scrotum provides gentle, teasing stimulation and is great to pair with oral sex. Licking the scrotum also provides light sensation that many guys really like but rarely experience. Just cradling the whole scrotum in your hand and pushing gently toward his body can provide a warm pressure that’s pleasurable.

Light touch and warmth are the main sensations the scrotum will like. But unike glans that responds to increasing friction and the shaft, which responds to pressure, scrotum and testicles must be handled carefully. Because skin of scrotum is a bit thicker than other areas, light pinches are also pleasurable.

Testicles – Perhaps the most sensitive part of a man’s reproductive anatomy, the testicles are the spongy balls inside the scrotum. They are sensitive. The testicles are the male homologues to the ovaries. Women can never really know what it’s like to be kicked in the balls because our gonads are protected deep inside our bodies. And a good thing too, because it would hurt like a motherfucker. If you squeeze the balls very, very lightly, some guys really enjoy that — but be very, very gentle with the testicles. Seriously.

Perineum – The area between where the scrotum ends and the anus begins is called the perineum or “taint” — because, like, “’taint pussy, ’taint ass.” It is sensitive to both light touch and deep pressure. Some guys get nervous when you move in the direction of the perineum because they’re afraid you might be going for the backdoor, and some guys are really nervous about their backdoors.

The perineum is sensitive to deep pressure because of its proximity to sensitive internal organs like the prostate gland (discussed below). It’s also really sensitive to light touch. Its sensitivity is about equivalent to the tissue immediately adjacent to a woman’s clitoris. Put another way, the perineum is ripe for licking.

Anus – Anal play is not just about penetration. The anus is a ring of muscle, densely packed with nerve endings, extremely responsive to light touch and deep pressure. The tissue of the anus and rectum is very delicate so it’s important to use some kind of lubrication. Silicone based lube is waterproof, doesn’t evaporate, lasts longer than you do, and stays where you put it. That makes it good for all anal play. Saliva will work too (though it will evaporate with friction), and anilingus (anal-oral play) doesn’t require extra lube.

Prostate – The prostate is the “p-spot,” the male g-spot. It is very sensitive and pressure on the prostate results in intense, deep sensations, totally different from penile stimulation but still very erotic. Not all guys like it, and not all guys are willing to experiment with it, but if your man is ready to experiment with ways to expand his orgasmic experience, this is a great way to do it.

There are two routes to prostate stimulation. The first, less invasive method is also the more difficult of the two. Remember how the shaft of the penis extends deep into the body? If you press into the perineum, past the internal structures of the shaft, you can actually press against the prostate externally. The second method, of course, is to go in through the rectum. This is described in more detail in the “Advanced Techniques” section.

Male Arousal Process and Visual Cues*

In general, sexual arousal is the process of generating sufficient sexual tension so that your body (and his) crosses its threshold and releases all that tension in the explosive sensations of orgasm. The traditional model for thinking about the physiology of this process is the four phase model developed by pioneering sex researchers Masters and Johnson:

1.  Excitement – The first phase is all about the rapid accumulation of tension. As your partner is stimulated, the blood vessels in the shaft of the penis will relax and fill with blood, which causes the penis to swell and harden. His heart rate, respiration rate, and blood pressure will rise, and the erectile tissue all over his body (nipples, earlobes, lips, wings of the nostrils) will swell and darken.

2.  Plateau – The second phase isn’t physiologically distinct from excitement, but a lot of people will recognize the experience of the plateau. It’s a sort of leveling off at a high level of arousal, following the ascent through Excitement. During the plateau phase, his body is building up adequate sexual tension to cross the threshold to orgasm. He gets a full erection during this phase. As he approaches orgasm, your partner’s abdomen and thighs will get tense, his hands and feet will clench uncontrollably, and his breathing will become uneven and gasping.

3.  Orgasm – The third phase is what some people consider the highlight of the sexual experience. Orgasm is the explosive release of sexual tension, accompanied by high blood pressure, rapid heart rate, spasmodic muscle contractions... if it didn’t feel so good, you’d think there was something wrong. Men (unlike women) have a “point of ejaculatory inevitability” — a.k.a., “the point of no return.” Once he crosses this threshold, his Great Aunt Bessy could walk into the room and he still wouldn’t be able to stop himself from coming.

4.  Resolution – The fourth phase is the post-orgasmic dénouement. This is the time when his erection is gone and won’t be back for a while (unless he’s 18 years old). It’s time for “after-play” or sleep, depending on what feels right for you and your partner. All the tension that was in his muscles is now seeping out.

Navigating Arousal*

So, a few things about men’s sexual physiology:

*First of all, it can be trained. In fact it has been trained already. A lot of guys trained their bodies to move as quickly as possible through the sexual response cycle because when they were teenagers and young men, they needed to get off fast when they masturbated, to minimize the likelihood of getting caught. His body is also trained to respond to a particular kind of stimulation — a particular speed, intensity, friction level, etc. For some guys fellatio is sufficiently different from what they’re used to that their body will need to be trained onto this new kind of stimulation. How? Piece of cake. Let him show you how he masturbates, and learn to replicate what he does. (Is he shy about showing you how he does it? Try this: you start him off, get him pretty aroused. Then whisper in his ear, “I want to watch you.” And as he touches himself, be overtly appreciative — make noise, lick your lips, run your hands over his chest and thighs, and eventually add your mouth to what his hand is doing.) Over several sessions, incorporate oral sex into the manual sex, so that his body learns to associate the same sexual response he gets from your hand with what he gets from your mouth.)

*Second, spectacular blowjobs are as much as about when you do something as what you do and how you do it. Men’s sexual response is lot like driving a standard transmission: if you go through the gears in the right order, you’ll get where you want to go. But you have to start out in first gear; if you start in third, you’ll stall out. So early on, at lower levels of arousal, less intensity is needed — less speed, less friction, and often less pressure.

*As you lead him gradually to higher levels of arousal, you can increase the intensity. By moving slowly through the stages of arousal, you increase his tension, which will in turn increase the intensity of his orgasm (if you decide to let him have one). The manual and oral techniques you’ll find below are listed in order from least intense to most intense. Let your instincts tell you when he’s ready for the next level.

*Finally, high levels of sexual arousal generate high levels of oxytocin, a hormone that causes people to bond emotionally. Many men don’t have the same scale of bonding response that women do — they have it, it’s just different, more subtle. Want to make the most of this window of emotional openness? Use attachment behaviors, ways of touching him that increase his bonding response. Touch his face and scalp, look into his eyes, hold his hands, or kiss the arches of his feet, brush your thumb over his lips. Smile gently. Talk softly.

How to Tell How Turned On He Is*

You can’t rely on your guy to tell you when you’re doing something really good (how many men do you know would feel comfortable saying, “You got it, honey, exactly that pressure and speed! Wowsers!” Not many, right?) Instead, pay attention to the ways his body changes as his arousal increases. Here are five foolproof clues:

1.  His Erection. If he’s hard, he’s enjoying himself. Easy, right? Research suggests there’s about an 85% correlation between a guy’s physiological arousal (erection) and his perceived arousal (that is, how turned on he feels).

2.  His Breathing. You may not be able to tell if your guy’s heart rate has increased, but you’ll be able to hear his breathing or see his chest and belly rise and fall. Breath is an ideal signal because it’s tied directly to so many other indicators of arousal — muscle tension, heart rate, blood pressure. At first, he’ll breathe more deeply. As his arousal increases, his breathing will get harsher, and eventually he’ll start holding his breath and gasping. Some guys grunt like winded race horses, which is a nice clear signal.

3.  Sound. His noises go with his breath. But don’t make the mistake of assuming that every sigh can be directly associated with the thing you’re doing right at that moment; sometimes there’s a delayed response, or sometimes he’s responding to a change rather than to a technique per se. Look for patterns in what makes him respond.

4.  His Muscle Tension. His thighs, buttocks, and especially his abdominal muscles are total giveaways. Muscle tension increases as his arousal ascends, culminating in waves of extended contractions that will synchronize with his breathing. His hands and feet will also convulse spasmodically and involuntarily in “carpopedal spasms” as he gets to higher levels of arousal. If his thighs are trembling and his abs are locked down, he’s close.

5.  His Face. Not everyone makes an “O” face, but something will happen to your partner’s face that indicates arousal. Does he clench his jaw? Does he lie still with his lips just parted? Does he make the quintessential O face, jaw dropped, eyes wide? Watch him and see what happens, learn what clues indicate what level of arousal. The cultural fame of orgasmic faces comes in part from the fact that they’re often pretty silly, and people are unlikely to fake the ridiculous faces that go with high levels of arousal. This makes it a reliable and mostly unambiguous signal of his arousal.

Stepping on the Gas*

Another way to think about sexual arousal is in terms of the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response, a newer theory developed at the Kinsey Institute by Erick Janssen and John Bancroft, which has shown extraordinary promise as a framework for understanding how sex works. The Dual Control Model, as you might guess from the name, has two parts:

1.  Sexual Excitation System (SES) – SES is the gas pedal of your sexuality, responding to sexually relevant stimuli in the environment, from visual stimuli to tactile stimuli and everything in between. It constantly scans the environment (including your own thoughts and feelings) for things that are sexually appealing and as it finds things, it sends signals from the brain to the genitals to tell them, “Turn on!” SES is constantly at work, on an utterly subconscious level. What constitutes a “sexually relevant stimulus”? Some things, like the sight of a woman’s genitals, might be innately sexy to men, but many other things are learned. This might be part of the reason why men vary in their sexual preferences and also helps explain how “what’s sexy” has changed over time — culture shapes our understanding of what’s “desirable.” Studies have found that if a man moves to a different continent — say from Europe to Asia — his judgments of attractiveness will change, adapting to what he’s exposed to. The more sexual experience he has with you, the more his brain will associate you and your body with what’s attractive to him.

2.  Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) – SIS is the brakes system. Research so far shows that it’s likely there are two different SIS systems, one that responds to fear of performance failure (erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, etc) — call that SIS-1 — and another that responds to fear of performance consequences (STI transmission, unwanted pregnancy, social consequences) — call that SIS-2. Just as SES scans the environment for turn-ons, SIS scans from turn-offs, and all day long it sends a steady stream of “Turn off!” messages to your genitals. SIS is responsible for keeping a person from getting inappropriately aroused in the middle of a business meeting or dinner with your parents. SIS is also the system that slams on the brakes if, in the middle of some nookie, your grandmother walks in the room.

Arousal is really two processes: providing gradually increasing stimulation for the SES, and getting rid of everything SIS might respond to, which includes physical, emotional, and social risks. Both men and woman have both of these systems, and a person’s level of sexual arousal is a combination of how much stimulation SES has gotten and how little stimulation SIS has gotten.

Pumping His Brakes*

There are contexts where a “threat” turns into a turn-on: the possibility of being caught, the sense that you’re doing something “naughty,” the tension between wanting something and feeling like you shouldn’t have it... every romance novel ever written centers around this basic tension, where hero and heroine want each other but somehow can’t get together.

You can use this to your advantage during fellatio. When he’s already pretty darn aroused, use your hand to keep his erection stimulated and whisper into his ear about the many things you might do next. You might straddle him and ride him until he comes. You might put his entire cock deep in your mouth and suck him off. You might lick and bite along the insides of his thighs. You could also tell him what you’re fantasizing about, or remind him of a particularly fabulous session you had a few weeks ago when you had the house all to yourselves. Making him think about these things will make him want them all the more.

Another important part of this threat-as-stimulus concept is delayed gratification. This is where power and control come into play. When the brakes are engaged, it takes longer to get to orgasm. The longer it takes for him to get to orgasm, the more intense his orgasm will be. Let me say that again because it’s extremely important. The longer you take to move him from the initial swelling of his cock to the vibrating rigidity of full erection to the spine-buckling pulses of orgasm, the bigger, more overwhelming, and more enslaving his orgasm will be.

Take. Your. Time.

Blowing Him Away*

Fundamentals*

Below you’ll find a large number of manual and oral techniques for fellatio. Each one of them has a number of possible variations based on intensity, speed, and context:

*Intensity The nervous system responds to light touch (low intensity) and deep touch (high intensity), as well as temperature. Light touch is the sensation you get when you just brush the surface of skin. Deep touch is pressure. Both are important and different parts respond to them differently.

*Speed Slow stroking is a completely different thing from fast stroking. And of course there is slow light stroking, slow deep stroking, fast light, and fast deep. And fast is not necessarily more intense than slow — slow can tantalize and torment, and the torment can be just as intense as — or even more intense than — the sensation it makes him long for.

*Context The context of sensation shapes how the brain interprets physical experience. You know how tickling can be fun when you’re in the mood and irritating when you’re not? It’s the same physical sensation, but a different context. In the case of fellatio, a number of factors influence the context in which a guy’s brain interprets sensation. First, there’s the psychological context — what is the relationship between you like? How intimate are you? How much do you trust each other? Lower levels of intimacy and trust means the brakes will stay on longer; that kind of tension might be arousing, or it might prevent arousal. Second, there’s his pre-existing level of excitement. There are intense, deep sensations that he can’t tolerate until he’s already highly aroused; and post-orgasm sometimes men’s bodies seem over-sensitive and can’t tolerate any touch at all.

Manual Techniques*

*Twist A truly foundational technique. Rather than holding his penis in your fist and drawing your hand straight up and down, give your wrist a twist. Try it with lube!

*Juicer With the penis pointing straight out, place your fingertips around the corona as though you’re going pluck it. Move your hand up and twist your wrist, like you’re juicing a lemon or an orange. You can also try it without the twist. Very light touch is all that’s necessary.

*Infinite Vagina He’ll need a pretty firm erection for this one. With your hands well-lubed, wrap your hand around the head of his penis and stroke down. Follow that hand immediately with your opposite hand. Keep alternating, following one hand with the other, so the head of his penis is constantly being stimulated with a downward motion. Guys describe this as feeling like penetration that goes on forever.

*Reverse Vagina Instead of pushing down on the shaft, pull upwards, one hand after the other. Try it with a twist!

*Clock With your hands working the Reverse Vagina, gently tug the penis so it’s pointing toward his navel. Then rotate the penis gradually clockwise, so that with each stroke the head points around over to the hipbone, then down to his knees, then around to the other hipbone, and back up to the navel. It’s possible you’ll find that your man has a particular “time” at which he is particularly sensitive.

*Peace A useful variation that can be done from a lot of comfortable body positions. Make a V with your index and middle fingers, like you’re making a peace sign, and stroke the glans and shaft between those fingers. (With guys with particularly thick penises, this might be a bit more difficult.) This will produce light touch sensations — those fingers just aren’t strong enough to produce deep touch in that position — so it’s especially nice around the glans and corona. With your fingers in that position, you can try brushing the webbing at the base of your fingers against the frenulum.

*Upside Down Lying next to your guy, rather than holding his penis in the traditional fashion, flip your hand upside down, so your thumb is on the underside. This might feel awkward at first, but it feels really different and your partner may find he really enjoys it. Lying in the crook of your partner’s arm is a comfortable position for a hand-job, but it’s hard to do some of the other techniques, so this can add some variety to that position.

Oral Techniques*

*Softie When he is not erect, kiss and gently brush your tongue and fingers over the head of his penis. Get the head wet before you use your hands — the slip makes it more comfortable. This is also a good time to give the scrotum some attention, licking and stroking the skin.

*Slow Dance Again, while he’s soft, get as much of his penis in your mouth as you can; get the whole thing pretty wet and slippery, and then slowly and gently but firmly, suck and draw your head upwards, so that his penis stretches. Draw your lips up to the head. You can allow his penis to slip out of your mouth and then start over, or you can keep it in your mouth and go back down to go again. A hand resting on his inner thigh, lower abdomen, or scrotum is a nice additional sensation.

*Suck This is the basic. Open your mouth wide enough to accommodate the penis before you, and plunge your mouth down as far as your feel comfortable, then come back up. You can be creative about how far up or down you go. You might concentrate exclusively on the head, with your lips never leaving the glans, or you might keep your lips low on the shaft and brush the glans against your soft palate or the roof of your mouth.

*Straw With your hand(s) wrapped around the base, wrap your lips around the head of the penis. Suck like you’re trying to slurp a really thick milkshake through a straw. This is nice when he’s erect, but you might find that if you do it when he’s still soft, it will make him hard pretty fast. It’s like the suction of those penis enlargement thingies.

*Flicky There are not a lot of occasions other than oral sex when this motion will be called for, so it might take some practice to master. Extend your tongue out of your mouth and flick it up and down as fast as your can. You can do this up and down the length of the shaft, or you can focus on the frenulum.

*Swirl This is a tongue oriented technique. As you go down, you swirl your tongue in a half circle around the frenulum, and as you go up, you complete the circle. This is easiest with the tongue soft and flat, but you can try it with a more flicky-like tension too. This in combination with the Twist is wicked.

*Creamsicle Ultimately, fellatio is about giving yourself a treat and pretending it’s giving him a treat. This technique is the ultimate example. When you eat a real creamsicle, you don’t just plunge the thing into your mouth; instead, you do some plunging, and sometimes you take a slurp at the side, maybe to catch a drip, you lick the whole thing from bottom to top, and you generally just savor the hell out of the thing. Imagine the dick in your hands is whatever frozen dessert on a stick makes you happiest, and then relish the hell out of it.

*Teeth It takes a lot of sensitivity to use your teeth well. The head of the penis is extremely sensitive, so it only takes a little bit of tooth, gently applied, to give strong sensation. Your man may have had a bad tooth experience in the past, with a partner who lacked your sensitivity and skill; if he’s uncomfortable with it, you should respect that and not push too hard. But if he’s open to it, a valuable move is to gently brush your two front teeth from the corona to the tip of the glans, keeping your bottom lip still. You can also try scraping your teeth gently over his shaft, like you’re pretending to eat corn on the cob — try different speeds and pressures and different ways of incorporating your lips into this one.

*Dentures If you or your man is not interested in teeth, you can protect the penis by wrapping your lips tight over your teeth. You’ll look a little like a granny who has removed her dentures (hence the name). Only much hotter.

*Nose Technically this isn’t an oral technique so much as it is a facial technique. When his penis is erect and slippery, brush the tip of your nose against the shaft, around the frenulum. It might sound silly if you’ve never tried it, but your nose will produce a sensation that no other body part can; the closest equivalent is probably an erect nipple. And nothing says “enthusiastic!” like nuzzling his penis and scrotum.

*Powerhouse It is the gold standard of cock sucking; it’s very anti-choking but produces a lot of focused stimulation for him. With your hand wrapped around the shaft so that your index finger is around the sulcus, put your mouth over the head. Your lips will touch your index finger. Using lots of saliva, suck just the glans, moving mouth and hand in unison so that your fingers brush over the frenulum as your lips reach the tip of the glans, going up and down in tight, wet motions. Add a hand twist and a tongue swirl, if you’re feeling demonic.

Advanced Techniques*

Swallowing

Some men really love it when their partners swallow, other men really could care less. If you enjoy it, by all means dive in! If you don’t, that’s cool too. Blowjobs should be nothing but fun, and if swallowing isn’t fun for you, don’t do it. If you’d like to swallow but really don’t like the taste, your partner can change the flavor of his ejaculate by changing what he eats — see the section in “Troubleshooting.”

Why would he like it when you swallow? Well to begin with, he gets to have an orgasm. Even better, he gets to have an orgasm accompanied by the sensation of your mouth, all warm and wet, wrapped around the head of his dick. And even better, there’s no interruption to the flow (no pun intended) of his orgasm. Then maybe there’s the novelty, maybe the power dynamic, maybe the sight of your mouth on his genitals while he comes... Why wouldn’t he?

If you don’t like it, no man of quality will like making you do it. If he’s anxious about his ejaculate — its flavor or smell — he may not want you to swallow, just as if a woman is worried about her genitals’ flavor or smell she might not want her partner to go down.

Also, if he believes it’s demeaning or objectifying to women, he may hesitate. Let him know how you feel about it, pro or con. If you’re cool with your partner coming in your mouth, but you’re not interested in swallowing the ejaculate, that can be great too! The basic technique is to loosen your lips around his shaft while he’s coming and let his ejaculate lubricate the shaft.

If you’re interested in swallowing, here are a few things you can expect:

*Sometimes ejaculation happens like a shot from a water pistol, squirting up into the air, and sometimes it happens like lava from a volcano, rolling down over his shaft. Both are normal and the only difference really is the strength of your partner’s pubococcygeal muscle, which is the muscle he uses to stop himself peeing. The stronger it is, the more he shoots. You might feel a water pistol ejaculation hitting your soft palate, which is an interesting sensation not entirely unlike squirting water from a water bottle into your mouth.

*Ejaculate can have different consistencies, from runny to sticky. It can have different flavors and smells. It might smell a little like bleach or a little like pancake batter.

*The quantity of ejaculation varies a lot, mostly depending on how long it’s been since he last ejaculated. On average, you can expect a half a teaspoon, maybe a teaspoon if it’s been a while for him.

*What’s it made of? Mostly water, protein, and Vitamin C. Fewer than 10 calories.

Oyster

With the head of his penis resting against your soft palate, move your head slightly up and down against the glans. If you feel comfortable, try swallowing around the head of his penis. If he says, “Woah,” you did it exactly right.

Remember you are in total control, so you can stop anytime you want to. If you go too far too fast, it will only make it more difficult in the future, so go gradually.

Deep Throat

This is a cool party trick, but ultimately it’s not really important in the scheme of things. Learn it if you’re looking to have some fun and you’d like to have a special skill. Maybe you can list it on your resume.

The gag reflex is an automatic response to the presence of an object near the back of the mouth. It might happen when you’re brushing your teeth or get a little overenthusiastic with a tongue scraper. You can “train back” your gag reflex gradually with practice, through a process known as systematic desensitization.

It is also possible that you’ve had experiences that have actually trained your gag reflex forward. If you had a partner who rudely pushed your head too far down and caused you to gag and choke, that can cause you to have an even more sensitive gag response in the future, making it way too easy to gag. Maybe some women enjoy the sensation of gagging, but for most it’s a reason not to deep throat, or even a reason not to go down at all. But it’s totally preventable.

To train your gag reflex back, over a period of weeks or months, go down on your partner and, each time, take his penis just a little bit deeper.

Do this in a position in which you are the one in control — for example, with him lying on his back with, say, his hands tied to the bed, so you know he won’t grab your head.

After some practice, you’ll get his penis so deep that it will actually close off your windpipe, and some people feel very uncomfortable with the inability to breathe.

Changing the Temperature

Cocks aren’t all that temperature sensitive, which means you can go to some extremes and not worry about going too far. Take a mug of hot water and a glass of ice water. With a little mouthful of ice water, slip your mouth over his erect penis and swirl your tongue around the head and shaft. Then take a sip of hot water and repeat. Keep alternating. It is unlikely to be the thing that pushes him over the edge, but it will definitely keep his attention. Remember: novelty is good.

Ice cubes can also be fun to add to manual stimulation. Try brushing a sliver of ice along his shaft after running it down his chest from his throat to his pubic bone.

Do NOT touch his scrotum with ice without asking permission first. Really. It’s roughly equivalent to putting ice inside your vagina. You wouldn’t want to be taken by surprise with something like that.

Masturbating as You Go Down

“Emily,” you ask me, “Is it really realistic to masturbate while I’m giving a blowjob?” And I say, “Heck yes!” Here’s how:

The easiest position is to kneel on the floor while he’s on the couch or the edge of the bed. With one hand on his shaft and your mouth on the head, use your free hand to do... whatever it is you like. A vibrator, an exploring finger, or the palm of your hand. Whatever it is you do. Fantasize. Let the contractions of your abdomen guide the rhythm of your mouth’s movements.

Oh, and don’t forget to breathe. You’ll need to come up for air more regularly when you’re masturbating because, as we now know, high levels of arousal make you breathe more deeply. Most of the time, breathing through your nose is adequate, but if you’re intensely turned on, you’ll need your mouth. The change in stimulation for him is more than compensated for by the sights, sounds, smells, and sensations that accompany your arousal.

This isn’t a trick that will work for everyone — if your masturbation requires both hands, your complete attention, and/or special props, you may not be able to free up enough stimulation to give yourself.

Remember: it’s attitude. If he’s thinking, “Holy crap, she LOVES sucking my dick!” that’s better than 50 creative but half-hearted techniques. Your arousal is a major “sexually relevant stimulus” for his SES (Sexual Excitement System) to respond to.

The Cock Ring

The function of a cock ring is to trap the blood in the penis. It keeps him harder, longer. These days there is a huge array of leather, latex, silicone, and jelly cock rings, cock rings that cradle the scrotum, cock rings that vibrate, and cock rings with attachments to stimulate the clitoris during penetration, thus turning him into a human vibrator.

Open a bottle of wine and go shopping online some evening with your partner. Find something that looks appealing to both of you. All the techniques that work for fellatio without the cock ring work with the cock ring too. For guys who have trouble staying hard during oral sex, it can help sustain erections. If you’ve never tried it, you might find it fun.

Tip: You can accomplish the same function of a cock ring by locking your fingers around the base of his shaft when he’s erect. Blood will be able to get in, but it won’t be able to get out.

A Word about 69

69 — mutual simultaneous oral sex — gets a lot of hype. It’s actually really challenging because it distracts your attention both from what you’re doing and from the sensations you’re receiving. When your attention is split, you don’t get the full benefit of either giving or receiving oral sex. It can also be uncomfortable for the partner on top.

An adaptation of the classic 69 is for both partners to lie of their sides, facing each other’s genitals. This position lets you rest your heads on each other’s thighs and rub your tosos together rhythmically as you move. It doesn’t solve the basic split-attention problem, but if you and your partner want to find ways to share simultaneous oral sex, this is a strategy that might be more comfortable and successful for you.

Submission

While the reality of fellatio is that the fellator is always the one in control, it’s certainly possible to create a dynamic of submission if you want to. Role play — accessorized by costumes (sexy nurse’s uniform anyone?), fantasies (“Please sir, may I have another?”), and other accoutrements like handcuffs, blindfolds, silk scarves, rope, corsets, and the right attitude — can not only add spice and variety but also give you an opportunity to explore your relationship in ways you might never do in life outside the bedroom. There are two essential submission dynamics:

*Punishment. This is a dynamic well suited to school girl or workplace fantasies — anything where there’s a clear, formal power differential between the two people. The principal or the boss has to punish the naughty student, employee, whatever you choose. The punishment involves performing services, or penance, for the crime. You’ve been bad and you need to be taught a lesson. Too bad the lesson you’ll learn is that when you misbehave you get to suck a fabulous hard cock, which could very possibly result in you misbehaving again in order to get your “punishment.” You naughty girl, you.

*Service. Perhaps more straightforward than the punishment dynamic, the service dynamic involves, well, service. You give pleasure without regard for your own. Why? Because you’re the maid or the employee who wants a promotion or a grade. This is the key: the principal, the boss, whoever is the top has to control access to something in which the other person (the fellatee — that’s you) has a vested interest. You give in order to get. If you’ve ever wanted to play out a prostitute fantasy, this is a great way to do it.

Anal Stimulation

If your man is intrepid or already knows he enjoys anal stimulation, this section is for you. Anal stimulation can be a powerful enhancer of pleasure during fellatio. If you or your partner is not comfortable with the idea, you can skip this section and maybe come back to it some other time when you both feel more curious about it.

So we’re really talking about two things here: external anal stimulation and anal penetration. Both are most effective when he’s already pretty darn aroused — say, at the “plateau” stage. They are different sensations that serve different functions.

External Stimulation

The anus is exquisitely sensitive, highly enervated, and directly connected to genital response. The muscle of the anus is attached to the same muscle that spasms during orgasm; in fact, the anus spasms at orgasm too. It is intimately tied to sexual response and, because it is so sensitive, it requires very little stimulation to have a big impact. Light touch with a wet fingertip or tongue adds a unique, intense, and, for many men, novel sensation to those of fellatio.

A nice thing about anal stimulation is that you can try it on yourself to get a feel for what it’s like for him. One day when you’re masturbating or just in the shower and feeling curious, stroke a well-lubricated fingertip softly over the surface of your anus. You may notice that it sort of “winks.” It’ll do that when it’s surprised.

Brushing light circles over his anus or stroking the way you might stroke a cat between the eyes provides intense sensation. If your guy is not interested in penetration, he may worry that your attention to his anus is a preamble for penetration. Use no pressure, just the lightest touch, like running your finger playfully down his nose.

Penetration

There are three rules to successful anal penetration: relaxation, lubrication, and communication.

1.  Relaxation – The anus is composed of two sphincters of muscle. The outer sphincter is under conscious control, and the inner one is not. The inner sphincter will clench when you feel stressed or anxious or threatened in any way, and it will take the outer muscle with it. This is why relaxation is so important. In order to ensure relaxation, there are two things it’s important to do:

*The person being penetrated should be the one in control. He can press his hips against your finger (with its extremely short, clean, and well-groomed fingernails!) at his own pace.

*The penetrator has to work with the “winking” of the anus. As your partner becomes aroused, his anus will clench and unclench. It is crucial that you not try to move while he’s clenched — you’ll just pull against the sphincter and cause pain. Stay aware of the tension levels in the muscle and work with it, never against it.

1.  Lubrication – Pain with penetration can come from at least two sources. The first is when the anus clenches and the penetrator moves out of synch with it. The second is friction from inadequate lubrication. Unlike the vagina, the anus produces very little of its own lubrication so it is absolutely necessary to use lube. I love silicone lube because it lasts for a long time, it stays where you put it, and it doesn’t evaporate, unlike water based lube, and it’s latex compatible, unlike oil based lubes. The ultimate in silicone lubes for anal penetration is Eros Power Cream — it has a thick, almost Vaseline-like consistency and lasts for an eternity.

2.  Communication – As vigilant as you are about the winking, it still takes explicit communication in order to make sure you’re both comfortable with what’s happening. This is challenging for a lot of people when they’re communicating about fairly straightforward, common sexual practices like vaginal penetration or even foreplay. But communicating during sex about anal penetration? Oy. You might be best off using a sort of shorthand. “More? Less? Deeper? Faster? Slower? Like that? There?” you ask. “Yes.No.Slower.Deeper.Less.Like that.Wait.Stop. Lower. More,” he says. This is neither the time nor the place for grammatical sentences.

Prostate Stimulation

Once you get there, you might want to try prostate stimulation. The prostate is about the size of a walnut and it’s located roughly three inches up in the rectum, on the anterior wall (the side closer to his belly button). Pressing and making a “come here” motion with your fingertip is the standard way to stimulate the prostate. You don’t have to use an in-and-out motion along with the “come here,” but he might like the stimulation to his sphincter that his offers.

Pressure on the prostate will probably be a pretty intense sensation. Let him direct you to the place that feels right to him. (“There?” “Lower.” “Like that?” “A little harder.” Etc.), and whenever he says stop, stop. Wait until he’s relaxed, and slowly and gently withdraw your finger. Remember, if his anus winks while you’re withdrawing, pause until he relaxes again, and then continue.

Once you have some practice, anal stimulation with a blowjob can add some serious intensity. For some men, this is more intense and even preferable to penis stimulation. Other guys will never really get into it. It’s the same with women — some women find out they love anal penetration, and other women are never interested. It’s okay either way, whatever makes you happy.

Remember that anal stimulation is best at higher levels of arousal. Adding a wide variety of stimulation when he’s areadly turned on will distribute his arousal throughout his body, giving im more intense orgasms.

Ups and Downs of Going Down*

Gagging During Fellatio*

Gagging happens when something, in this case the penis, hits the back of the throat. It also can happen for psychological reasons; for people who’ve had a bad experience in the past, just the thought of a penis in the mouth can trigger the reflex.

The key to avoid gagging is to have control over how far his penis enters your mouth. There are a number of ways of doing this:

1.  Use your hands on his shaft to create a barrier for your mouth. He’ll get the added stimulation of your hands, and you’ll be able to focus your mouth where the nerve endings are densest, on the head of the penis.

2.  Change the angle of penetration. If you’re coming at him from straight on — either from above if he’s lying down or from the front if he’s standing up — his penis essentially has a straight shot to the back of your throat. Instead, angle his penis upward or downward (you’ll find that different angles change the sensation, and some angles will actually increase his please!). Changing the angle makes it more difficult to slip and accidentally go too far.

3.  Change positions. If he’s standing and you’re kneeling, he has more freedom to move or thrust and accidentally go too far. But if he’s sitting on the couch, it’s more difficult for him to thrust upward unexpectedly. Alternatively, if he’s lying down, you can sit or lie beside (or over) his chest, rather than his legs. Coming at him from that angle, you have more control.

You can even combine all three to be very safe. To him it might just seem like you’re being really creative and enthusiastic — and you are! You’re finding ways to give him pleasure that work for you as much as they work for him. Right on!

If Fellatio Makes Your Jaw Ache*

There’s a dumb old joke — “If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast!” Jaw ache during fellatio is kind of like that. If your jaw aches, you’re working too hard — keeping your mouth open too wide for too long, or sucking too hard. Not necessarily too hard for his pleasure, but definitely too hard for yours. And there’s no point in doing all this if you aren’t enjoying it.

The solution? Quit working so hard! Your hands are much stronger than your mouth, so let them provide most of the pressure and intensity; your mouth can do most of the light-touch work. Save the heavy duty sucking for the end, when he’s getting close to orgasm. A few intermittent sucks will give the variety and interest that capture his attention, without wearing out your jaw.

If your guy needs a lot of sucking for a long time in order to get off — and some guys do, either because of aging or medication or just individual differences in arousability — you can build up your stamina with practice — just like all strength building exercise it requires spaced repetition, but it can be done. Often (though not always) using your hand to provide stroking pressure over the corona can replace sucking an take some of the demand off your jaw.

Back or Knees Ache During Fellatio?*

If you’re in pain, you’re not having fun, and therefore it is not an outstanding blowjob. There’s no reason to sit cramped with no bloodflow to your feet (unless you’re into that kind of thing).

The best blowjobs are done in comfort. There are lots of positions you can try that will take pressure off your back or knees:

*Strategic use of pillows will save sensitive joints if you’re kneeling. If you’re kneeling on the floor, put a firm pillow or cushion under your knees. You can also take pressure off your knees by tilting your weight onto your shins and feet. Especially if he’s sitting and you’re kneeling between his legs, the pillow or cushion can be supplemented with frequent changes in position, which will keep blood flowing freely to your legs. Alternatively, you can kneel on all fours on the bed while he stands (depending on your partner’s height and the height of the bed). Mattresses are soft enough to kneel on for much longer at a stretch without building up too much pressure on your joints.

*Folding yourself up between his legs while he lies down is comfortable for some women, but if you’re not one of them, here are a few variations:

*Have him lie with his legs dangling over the edge of the bed, and kneel on the floor between his legs, using the pillow strategies described above. One drawback of this position is that he won’t be able to see what you’re doing unless he props himself up on his elbows, which isn’t real comfy.

*Have him sit up in bed so you can stretch yourself out over or between his legs. You can also lie on your side next to his legs, which also provides a position that has a low risk of choking. He gets to see lots in this position, though you may not be able to look up at him.

*With him lying flat on the mattress kneel on all fours over his legs. You can alternate using one hand and then the other, or you can just use your mouth. Because of the decreased involvement of hands, this is a more mouth-intensive position, which means either your mouth will work a lot harder or the stimulation will be less intense. This is a terrific position for making eye contact with your guy. Eye contact can be fabulous.

*Lie either beside or above him, with your hips by his shoulders and your mouth near his genitals. A bonus about this position is that he has access to your genitals, too! A great view for him and pleasurable stimulation for you, if you so choose.

*Lie on your back of sit up in bed and have him straddle you. This gives him a great deal more control and offers opportunities for deeper penetration of mouth, so this is a good position to couple with the Powerhouse, so your hands can control how far he thrusts. You get a great view of his entire body and he has a great view of your face, so this is a pretty intense position.

Scent and Sensibility*

Clean skin smells and tastes nice. It’s absolutely, 100% legit for you to ask your man to wash up before you go down. You could also begin your session with a warm, wet, soapy massage in the shower. Just don’t register disgust on your face — no one likes to feel like their body grossed someone out.

Fellatio brings a person into close contact with a partner’s odor, which can be a turn-on when right and a turn-off when not. We all have a natural scent, and there’s all kinds of nerdy science stuff about who responds how to which kinds of smells, but what it comes down to is this:

Trimming the pubic hair may help, too, by reducing the surface area that can hold bacteria and contribute to unpleasant odor. Hair can trap sweat, urine, splash-back from the toilet and anything else the genital area comes into contact with. Use small scissors or sideburn trimmer to trim the hair around the base of the shaft once every week or two. If the odor persists, or smells different or especially bad, it may be a sign of infection or a disorder of the sweat glands, warranting a visit to the doctor or other health care provider.

Your partner can change the flavor of his ejaculate by changing what he eats. Foods like red meat, coffee, garlic, and greasy, salty food will create ejaculate that tastes bitter. Asparagus is another culprit, as is tobacco in any form (like we needed another reason to quit smoking.) So those are things to avoid.

Vegetarian diets that feature celery, kiwi, apples, mint, and citrus fruit will produce sweeter tasting ejaculate. A basic rule of thumb is the more healthful his diet, the sweeter his cum. A guy who’s had a heart attack and therefore drastically changed his lifestyle to conform with his doctor’s “heart healthy” recommendations is a guy with tasty jizz, ladies.

One last thought: this information isn’t based on any actual science. There are no empirical studies that I know of that test which foods have what influence on ejaculate, or how long it takes for ejaculate flavor to respond to dietary changes. Instead, this info is mined from the many exuberant fellators who have made a living teaching others to have joyful sex.

One day someone will get a National Institutes of Health grant to study semen flavor, but until then, we’ll have to rely on the experience of those who swallowed the ejaculate of thousands of men so that we don’t have to.

Most important, remember that each person has a unique scent and taste, both of which play a powerful role in attraction. Also, as couple stays together longer, they tend to get used to—and learn to accept and to like—each other’s natural scents. What may seem like a new scent to a partner at first may, over time, become more comfortable, familiar and appealing.

He’s Ambivalent about Fellatio*

Men who are resistant to receiving oral sex may find it difficult to reach orgasm from oral sex, and may feel embarrassed by that; or they simply may not find the sensations enjoyable; or they might feel self-conscious about their penis’s size, shape, smell, or taste; or they might be worried that you feel coerced; or maybe they were raised to believe it’s wrong and they can’t let that old teaching go. There are a million reasons why he might worry about fellatio, and solution is the same for all of them: have a little conversastion about it.

Imagine you were feeling ambivalent about something he wanted to do in bed. You want your partner to have pleasure, you want to try new things, but for whatever reason you’re just not sure about this one. The last thing you want is for him to go ahead and do whatever it is without discussing it first. You want him to ask what it is about this behavior that makes you feel ambivalent, and you want him to agree that if you decide you want to stop, he’ll stop. So do that for him.

Step 1: Ask what it is about fellatio that makes him ambivalent.

Step 2: (and this is the really important part) Listen to his answer.

Step 3: Repeat his answer back to him. (I.e., “Let me make sure I understand. What makes you ambivalent about fellatio is...”)

Step 4: Ask him what he needs in order to feel more comfortable.

Step 5: Make an agreement about that thing.

Sounds simple enough, but the way you have the conversation is as important as what you say. And the way you have the conversation should be the same way you go down: with affection, acceptance, pleasure in the intimacy, and a willingness for things to be imperfect.

Here’s what people do wrong when they talk with their partner about sex: they take it personally. Too often people react to their partner’s ambivalence by feeling personally rejected. Rarely is his ambivalence about you, about rejecting you. You must — you must — assume that he’s interested in having sex with you and just has some hesitation around a particular behavior.

Working with your partner around each other’s likes and dislikes is important, rather than creating pressure to do something a partner does not want to do.

You’re Just Not in the Mood*

It happens to everyone. He’s interested, you’re not. You want to satisfy him and give him pleasure, but honestly you’d rather be watching “Lost.” What’s the right thing to do? Sometimes — and this is a little heretical coming from a sex advice manual — the right thing to do is to turn him down. If you’re exhausted, sick, upset, or so stressed you can’t focus on him, it’s not going to be a quality blowjob anyway.

But never just turn him down flat. The right way to say no to sex is to(1) say no, (2) let him know it’s not that you’re not interested in sex with him, it’s just you’re too tired/stressed/upset at the moment, and (3) offer another time — a specific other time — when you will say yes.

Sometimes the right thing to do is to try it out and see what happens. Women more than men experience “responsive” sexual desire, where they’re not thinking about sex at all, then their partner comes over and starts kissin’ on them, and all of their body goes, “Oh yeah! That’s a good idea!” This contrasts with “spontaneous” sexual desire, where you’re just walking down the street or checking your email and all of the sudden your body tells you “Hey, sex would be good.”

If you start “cold” and things just don’t warm up for you, you can always transition to something else or let him know — gently — that you’re too tired, stressed, distracted, or whatever, and then return to the say no, reassure him, and suggest another time strategy.

Fellatio and STIs*

Can you get an STD from fellatio? Yes. Probably not HIV — that virus is quite fragile and can’t cope with the hostile environment of the mouth; however, if you’ve got a cut or cold sore or something in your mouth, that give the virus a direct route into your bloodstream, which increases the risk.

Handjobs are very low risk. Infections can’t be passed from the genitals to the hands, not even HPV. Your main concern there is not touching his genitals and then your own genitals or your mouth with the same hand. Wash your hands afterward — it’s not that romantic, but better a few post-coital minutes in the bathroom than weeks or even a lifetime of open sores. Also, if you’re doing any penetration on him, keep your nails well-trimmed, smooth, and clean.

Fellatio with Condoms*

Many STIs can be transmitted orally, and believe me when I say you do not want gonorrhea of the throat. If you can’t stand the taste or smell of latex (and I wouldn’t blame you — ew), give polyurethane condoms a try. They’re thinner, conduct heat better, have no flavor or smell, and can be used with any kind of lube. Oral sex with a condom may provide less sensation for some men, so be sure to use high-intensity techniques.

Delayed Orgasm and Fellatio*

Many times if a partner takes a long time to orgasm from oral sex — if he’s not a guy who takes a long time to come in general — it’s because his body has learned to orgasm from the specific kinds of stimulation that he’s used to receiving.

*First, watch him masturbate and try to match what he does to himself. If you tell him it would turn you on to watch him, then smile naughtily and look away shyly, that will probably persuade him. Then let him guide your hand, ask for feedback. “Like that?” or “A little harder?” or “Faster?” A 1 to 10 scale can make a great shorthand for communicating pleasure. 1 is like “Meh” and 10 is “I’m going to come RIGHT NOW.”

*Second, take away the goal of orgasm — assume that for the next, say, two weeks or month you won’t be giving him orgasms from oral sex, you’ll just be learning how to get him gradually closer and closer to orgasm. In fact, he’s not allowed to come by your hand. Oral sex can be spectacular without orgasms — if you get him to the gasping, pleading edge of orgasm and then go downstairs for a bowl of ice cream you’ve still given a great blowjob. Just don’t cause the poor man an injury, will ya?

*Finally, make it a gradual approach. Do lots of things, not just the things he does — full body caresses, different manual techniques, oral sex, all kinds of things mixed in with the kind of stimulation he uses.

Also, sometimes delayed orgasm with a partner is not just about learning to respond to new stimulation. Sometimes there’s a trust and/or shyness factor too. Orgasm requires a lot of “letting go” and many people find it difficult to focus on their pleasure in front of a partner and they end up “spectatoring” or watching themselves from the outside, rather than paying attention to the sensations in their bodies. Just as he learns to respond to new sensations, with practice he learns to let go and be fully responsive even in the presence of another person.

This kind of shyness usually has nothing to do with the quality of your relationship; it’s mostly just a matter of habit, and your affectionate patience is all it takes to create the environment he needs to let go. Remember, sexual response is both giving good stimulation and eliminating any reason for him not to be turned on.

To sum up: learn to stimulate him the way he has trained his body to respond. Teach his body to respond to other things by incorporating new sensations with familiar ones. While you’re in the process, put a ban on making him come with oral sex. He’s not allowed — for two weeks at least, and really more like a month.

Premature Ejaculation and Fellatio*

It really does happen to everyone. Premature ejaculation (PE) is among the most common sexual problems that men deal with, and typically it is quite straightforward to deal with. In fact, it can be dealt with by using the same practice technique used for developing bigger, longer, and multiple orgasms.

Specifically, it’s the “stop-start” technique. On his own or with you, your partner becomes highly aroused, and then lets his erection fade. He gets aroused again, approaching his “point of no return” but not crossing it. 4 or 5 repetitions at a time is probably enough. The more he does this, the more he’ll have a sense of his own arousal; he’ll learn where his point of no return is and he’ll learn to control his arousal so that he doesn’t cross it. This doesn’t guarantee that he’ll never experience PE again, but it is great practice and will give him more control over his ejaculation.

You can help by following his instructions if he tells you to stop, slow down, or move differently. Stay patient and positive. Remember that, just as you want to give spectacular blowjobs, he too wants to be an amazing lover with you, and it’s when he falls short of his own standards that he most needs you to let him know that you love sex with him. Never, ever take it personally — heck, take it as a compliment. Rolling your eyes or getting impatient will only make it more difficult for him.

Because this stop-start approach is exactly the same technique that you use in order to learn to have bigger, longer, and multiple orgasms, you might find it easier to persuade your guy to practice this technique by telling him, “I read about this technique in this manual and it’s supposed to give you bigger, better orgasms!” rather than saying, “I read about this technique that’s supposed to help you have more control over your ejaculation...”

And if it doesn’t help at all, it’s always an option to see a sex therapist or urologist. Or to go our good in bed boards and share your story and get feedback from peers and experts.

Lost Erection and Fellatio*

Erectile Dysfinction (ED) refers to a pretty specific set of symptoms that don’t apply to every instance when an erection is desired but isn’t there. Men can lose or not get erections for a variety of reasons, both physical and psychological. Stress, depression, obesity, diabetes, relationship problems, and performance anxiety are just a handful of examples. The key point in terms of fellatio is that usually a failure to launch has nothing to do with you and everything to do with whatever else your man has going on in his life.

Most of the time, erectile problems are temporary, short-lived, and harmless. If he gets soft for no particular reason in the middle of a session and his erection is being stubborn, shift the focus away from the genitals and do something else. (For example, have him go down on you!) Too much attention to the problem will only make it worse — and if it happens once, that can lead to anxiety that it could happen agan, which, ironically, makes it more likely that it will. ED is essentially the overactivation of his sexual inhibition system (the brakes), and the pressure to perform, to get the erection back, will only engage the SIS more. You want to take away all his reasons for feeling anxious or stressed, which includes taking away expectation or pressure for him to have an erection.

If ED is more than just occasional or if it’s not responsive to this kind of treatment, it’s always an option to see a sex therapist or urologist. There are medical interventions now (drugs) but it’s also possible that his ED is caused by purely psychological or interpersonal issues. Just like a woman’s sexual desire can diminish with stress, depression, or relationship issues, so can a guy’s. It’s useful not to assume everything is a medical problem.

Conclusion: Great Sexpectations*

Great Sexpectations*

We’ve covered a lot of ground here, so let’s summarize some of the big points:

1.  Communication, both verbal and non-verbal, will maintain clarity between you and your partner. You let him know what you’re into partly by what you ask for and partly by what you do. He lets you know by his words and his erection, his muscle tension, his breath. Listen and watch for what he likes, and be as clear with him as his penis is with you.

2.  Your hands play an important role in oral sex. Save your jaw and tongue from ache and fatigue by taking full advantage of the strength and dexterity of your hands. Try lots of different things. Use lube.

3.  Attitude is your most valuable tool. If you’re feeling anxious or uncertain, your fellatio won’t be as mind blowing as if you go into it feeling relaxed, confident, and curious. You’re in control (except when you choose not to be!) and you never, ever have to do anything you aren’t into. So enjoy yourself!

Great fellatio is like great dancing – technique is important, but it will only get you so far. How you do things – with what intensity, speed, and pressure, at what level of his arousal you do them – and the attitude you bring are the factors that make the difference between a great blowjob and a frickin’ spectacular blowjob, the kind of blowjob that he’ll remember decades from now and recall with vivid longing.

And by now you know that oral sex isn’t just about the mouth. It’s about your hands and your mouth and your teeth and his penis and scrotum and thighs and any other body part you can reach, it’s about the connection between the two of you, and, above all, it’s about his mind. If you want to go down on him, if you love going down, he’ll love when you do.

And come visit me with your questions, comments, late-night musings at goodinbed.com.

Appendix: Selecting a Lubricant*

Saliva is a great lube for oral sex, abundant, effective, and free. However, you know by now that fellatio is not just oral sex, it’s a handjob too. Lube is absolutely crucial to a high quality handjob. Why? It provides “slip,” the smooth, sliding action that both feel delicious and prevents irritation caused by friction. That’s why lots of guys masturbate with lube. Most of the things guys improvise with – hand lotion, Vaseline, whatever – aren’t good to put in your mouth or your vagina, but if you know what he likes, you can use that to guide your selection. Lotion-guys might like creamy lube. Vaseline-guys might prefer silicone- or oil-based lubes. There are lots of choices:

Water-based lube has the advantage of being safe under all circumstances – it works with latex and with polyurethane barriers, it works with silicone toys, it works with people who have sensitive skin, it works with both internal and external stimulation. Its shortcoming is that it evaporates, leaving a sticky, unsexy mess on your hand and your partner’s genitals. You can bring water-based lube back to life by spritzing some water on the area involved, but that’s about as sexy as watering an African violet.

Whipped or foamy water-based lubes often dry less sticky than regular water-based lubes. However, they have added ingredients (flavors, preservatives, etc) that are more likely to cause an allergic reaction. If you and your partner are not sensitive, try these out. But particularly with your blowjob will be accompanied by vaginal intercourse, check the ingredients list and watch for anything (like glycerin) that might cause a reaction.

You have a number of alternatives to water-based lube that work under different circumstances

Oil-based lubes last a long time and don’t evaporate but: they are NOT LATEX-SAFE. Oil actually breaks down latex so that infections and sperm can get through. If you blow a condom up like a balloon and rub Vaseline on it, it’ll pop. A condom doesn’t have to be visibly broken for it to be compromised, either. Even if a condom looks intact, the oil on your hands from lotion or the oil on your lips from lipstick can make a condom ineffective. The long and the short of it is: if you’re using latex protection, DON’T USE OIL-BASED LUBE. Got it? Okay.

If you want to use oil AND protection, try polyurethane barriers instead. Trojan Supra and Avanti are the two big brands of polyurethane condoms. These have the further advantage of being thinner than latex and transferring heat better, though they’re more expensive, they make a crinkly sound, and they’re slightly more prone to breaking because they stretch less than latex.

The other circumstance where oil isn’t appropriate is when there will be vaginal intercourse involved. Oil is hard to wash out, and if it’s left in the vagina it can actually go rancid and promote infection. Bad scene.

If you’re not using latex and not doing vaginal intercourse, oil is a great alternative to water-based lube because it lasts forever and provides great sensation.

Silicone-based lubes are another alternative. Like oil-based lubes, they don’t evaporate, but unlike oil they are safe for use with latex. Because silicone it water proof, these lubes do require soap and water to remove. Silicone is thick, slick, and stays where you put it; you only need a tiny amount, and it lasts for hours, so even though it’s more expensive than water-based lube, you use so little that a bottle will last a long time.

The one circumstance where silicone lubes are inappropriate is when you’re using silicone toys. If a toy feel soft and skin-like, it’s likely made of silicone, and silicone lube will actually eat away at the surface, creating pits and divots that are difficult to clean, thus promoting infections. That’s not good.

Flavored lubes are a good alternative for those who would like to mask the flavor of their partner’s genitals skin and pre-ejaculate. One caution: many of these lubes contain glycerin, which can cause yeast infections, so avoid these with vaginal intercourse unless you know you’re not sensitive to glycerin, the culprit ingredient.

Table of Contents

The Good in Bed Guide to Orally Pleasuring a Man